


What You Deserve

by AgentExile



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Boys Kissing, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, One Shot, Protect Taeyong!, and Jaehyun is an angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 01:16:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14557686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentExile/pseuds/AgentExile
Summary: When Jaehyun finds Taeyong hidden away in the dance studios well past midnight, tear-stained and exhausted in the wake of a terrible attack of insecurity, he wastes no time in picking him up, collecting him in warmth, and bringing him home.It’s not the first time, and maybe it won’t be the last, but he will do whatever he can to assuage his boyfriend’s anxieties, to make him feel safe, to remind him that he is talented and beautiful and loved.Because that’s what he deserves.





	What You Deserve

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I wrote this last night because I’m sad and apparently good therapy is throwing it into one-shots instead, so here we go. Sorry.  
> C/W: This fic deals with the aftermath of an anxiety attack, though it isn’t described. It contains details of insecurity and self-doubt, and makes occasional reference to some unhealthy/obsessive behaviours (forgetting to eat, excessive exercise, missing sleep etc). Please take care if any of these things might affect you xx

Jaehyun knew what he would find.

   He had known, really, from the beginning of the week.

   The tell-tale signs had started on Monday, and they hadn’t escaped his notice.

   Taeyong had started to wake up earlier, padding around the ground level of the dorm with nervous, jittering steps. He had started eating less, often forgetting until Jaehyun reminded him during practice, mind always elsewhere. He had started staying later and later after sessions, disappearing into the recording studios to write or into the dance studios to work himself into a stupor.

   It was a familiar cycle, one that he had broken out of for a while during their downtime but which had reared its head during the chaotic promotions of the spring.

   And so, on Friday night, when Jaehyun returned from the radio show late in the night with Johnny to discover that Taeyong was nowhere to be found, he turned straight on his heel before he had even removed his jacket, and headed back out into the night.

   Twenty minutes later, he was searching through the practice rooms. They weren’t supposed to be there after 10pm - there were rules about checking in with management at this time, but they were hardly ever implemented. And sure enough, in the very last dance studio - not one that NCT usually used - was:

   ‘Taeyong,’ he breathed, crossing the room in three broad strides and dropping down beside him without pause.

   Taeyong was almost entirely hidden but for the crown of his head, roots starting to peek through the honey-coloured locks that he was sporting for promotions, which made him look so much younger - so much softer. His face was buried in his arms, which were wrapped tightly around his knees. He looked uncharacteristically small, huddled in the corner of the wide room, amplified by the mirrors that dominated the walls. He usually dominated the spaces he inhabited with his charisma, his charm, his extraordinary talent.

   ‘Yongie, my love,’ Jaehyun whispered, without any pretence of formality. When it was just him and Taeyong, the latter was just his boyfriend, not his senior.

   Taeyong nudged his head sideways just enough to reveal one bloodshot eye, puffy from crying, blinking at him with something between surprise and relief. ‘Jaehyunnie,’ he said, one hand unravelling to rub quickly at the tears left under his eyes, ‘what are you doing here?’

   ‘I came to get you, sweetheart. It’s really late,’ Jaehyun replied. He reached out a hand slowly, as though approaching a wounded animal, giving Taeyong time to refuse his touch if he wanted to, but of course he didn’t. He squeezed his shoulder gently, before sliding his fingers down his arm to take his hand, finding it hot and clammy. ‘Hey, you’re shaking,’ he murmured, closing his other hand over Taeyong’s to hold his trembling fingers steady.

   ‘I’m fine,’ Taeyong mumbled, unfolding his hunched posture and sniffing obviously.

   ‘No you’re not. Did it happen again?’

   Taeyong nodded. _It_ meant panic attacks, but Taeyong didn’t like to call them that. He always claimed that it wasn’t _panic_ , just “fried nerves”. Jaehyun didn’t have the heart to argue with him.

   ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he murmured.

   At this, Taeyong shook his head quickly, taking a deep, shuddery breath and moving to stand. ‘Not here.’

   ‘Okay, okay,’ said Jaehyun, pushing his arm under Taeyong’s to support him as he stood, legs shaking slightly.

   It wasn’t just the aftermath of the attack - he could tell from the wave in his hair and the way that his tank vest hung half off his shoulders that Taeyong had been dancing. Probably too much. Undoubtedly too much, given the late hour.

   ‘Let’s get you home,’ Jaehyun said as calmly as he could, knowing full well that in these moments, he needed to be the one in control, even if looking at Taeyong hurting like this made him want to fall apart.

   ‘Home,’ Taeyong repeated, before yawning widely, slumping against Jaehyun’s side.

   ‘Yeah, home. Do you want me to carry you?’

   Taeyong looked up at him with wide, doe eyes, biting his lip as he nodded.

   Jaehyun smiled, before bending down and scooping him up into his arms in an easy bridal lift. He was so light that Jaehyun’s biceps barely strained, the buoyancy of his hold making Taeyong giggle softly. The sound was such a relief that Jaehyun let out a breath that he seemed to have been holding for a while, holding him closer against his chest.

   With sweeping pace, eager to escape the building that had caused Taeyong such anxiety, Jaehyun carried him away.

*

If the driver thought it was weird, he didn’t question it. Perhaps he was used to idols wandering out of work in various states of disrepair.

   By the time that they arrived back at the dorm, Taeyong was so physically and emotionally drained that his head kept lolling onto Jaehyun’s shoulder, eyes fluttering shut and then flying open again whenever they rounded a corner.

   Once they had stopped, Jaehyun walked him to the door with strong, protective arms, gaze flitting around the dark street automatically. He always had the creeping feeling that they were being watched around here - a nagging, uncomfortable sensation that he could never seem to shift.

   ‘Is he okay?’

   Johnny had waited up, jumping up as soon as he heard the door open.

   ‘Yeah, he’s alright. Aren’t you, Yongie?’ Jaehyun added, giving Taeyong a gentle nudge.

   ‘Mm.’

   ‘He’s… tired,’ he said, with a meaningful look at Johnny. As Taeyong’s roommate, Johnny knew just as well as Jaehyun how quickly he could fall into this state.

   ‘Why don’t I go sleep in with Donghyuck tonight? You can take care of him,’ Johnny suggested with an incline of the head.

   ‘Thanks, hyung,’ Jaehyun said gratefully.

   ‘Night, Johnny,’ said Taeyong with a delicately constructed smile.

   ‘Sleep well, TY.’

   ‘Do you want anything to eat?’ Jaehyun asked as he steered Taeyong down the stairs to his room.

   ‘I have candy in there.’

   Jaehyun wanted to tell him that he should be eating something proper after dancing for so long, but it wasn’t an argument that he was going to start now.

   The room was impeccably tidy, Johnny’s half maintained in equally Spartan order by Taeyong. It was moments like these, however, that Jaehyun was glad that Taeyong also had an overwhelming penchant for all things soft, because when he settled him down on his bed, he was able to reach only an arm’s length away and retrieve a warm, fluffy blanket.

   He wrapped it around Taeyong’s narrow shoulders, stroking his fingers ever so gently down the side of his hair.

   ‘You too warm? Too cold?’

   ‘I’m fine, Hyunnie. Can we just cuddle now?’

   This was how it always went.

   Taeyong didn’t like talking about things like this. He liked to curl up, sometimes cry, always beg for kisses, but he would never talk. But sometimes Jaehyun needed him to, if he was going to help him.

   ‘In a moment,’ Jaehyun said, taking a candy bar off the desk and holding it out, ‘I want you to eat this first. You need sugar after all the dancing.’

   Taeyong pulled a face.

   Jaehyun knelt on the floor in front of the bed, resting his hands on Taeyong’s thighs. ‘How long were you practising for?’

   ‘I don’t know.’

   ‘Since we left this afternoon?’ he prompted.

   ‘I guess.’

   ‘Why did you need to train for that long, baby?’ he whispered, pulling out the pet-name that he used only when he wanted Taeyong to open up the most. ‘You were amazing in practice today.’

   Taeyong shook his head, mumbling something that sounded horribly like: ‘ _not good enough_.’

   ‘Hey, look at me,’ Jaehyun said, catching his eyes. ‘You’re a brilliant dancer, Taeyong. The best. Whatever makes you think you weren’t good enough today? Did someone say something to you?’

   ‘Not the best. Not as good as Ten,’ Taeyong muttered.

   Jaehyun sighed, trying to conjure a smile. ‘Ten’s outstanding, Yongie, but you are too.’

   ‘Jisung as well.’

   ‘Huh?’

   ‘Jisung’s getting better than me too.’

   ‘Is this what all this is about? Working every hour under the sun? Under the _moon_? It’s because you’re worried that the others are better than you?’

   Taeyong’s face had gone very red, and he looked down, trying to hide it in the blanket.

   ‘Baby talk to me.’

   ‘Everyone’s better than me. Don’t you get it, J? I’m the weak link. I’m not a good enough dancer - not a good enough rapper - hardly a vocalist and don’t even get me started on visuals - ’ His eyes had filled with the tears that had been left over from earlier. ‘I know people are lying when they say I’m good at all that stuff. They just don’t want to upset me. But what if soon they realise they don’t want to keep me in the group any more? I have to be better. I - ’

   Jaehyun clenched his teeth, letting go of Taeyong’s knees and sitting down instead on the bed next to him. He wrapped his arms around his small frame, pulling him close against him. ‘Yongie, you are the heart of this group,’ he said, kissing the hair over his ear. ‘You are _everything_. You’re our pillar, our strength, and I don’t care what _anyone_ says, you’re our leader too. You’re so talented that sometimes I just stand and watch you and wonder how the hell some higher power out there ever dreamed you up. You’re beyond imagining.’

   ‘You have to say that. You’re my boyfriend,’ Taeyong said, voice muffled against Jaehyun’s chest.

   ‘Have you ever caught me lying to you?’

   He felt him shake his head against him.

   ‘You are perfect. Do you understand?’ he held Taeyong a little away from him so that he could look at his face.

   There was a half-light in his dark eyes, a glimmer of hope that the words might be true.

   ‘You are beautiful, and important, and loved,’ he said, stroking over his cheekbones gently and leaning to kiss his forehead. ‘And I’m going to keep telling you every day until you believe me. Because all the love in the world? That’s what you deserve.’

   Taeyong laughed softly, leaning forwards to nuzzle his face against Jaehyun’s neck, taking a deep, steadying breath. ‘Okay.’

   Jaehyun threaded his fingers into his hair, massaging smoothly down to his neck, kneading through the tension knots that had taken hold there.

   ‘Mm, that’s nice,’ Taeyong said, shuffling closer until he was half sprawled across Jaehyun’s lap.

   ‘I think I should make you something to eat.’

   ‘ _No_ ,’ Taeyong whined, ‘I need you here to cheer me up.’

   Jaehyun smiled. This sounded an awful lot more like the _usual_ Taeyong. He kissed his temple, the two of their foreheads touching together as he created enough space between them to get an angle on Taeyong’s lips.

   He kissed him sweetly, barely grazing the corner of his mouth before mapping a line of gentle pecks along his bottom lip.

   ‘Beautiful lips,’ he murmured, before giving his neck the same treatment. ‘Beautiful voice,’ he said, against his throat. ‘Beautiful mind - ’ upon returning to his temples; ‘beautiful eyes - ’ as he took away the last of the tears on his lashes; ‘beautiful nose - ’ a half kiss, as Taeyong squirmed away laughing.

   ‘Okay, I get it, I’m pretty,’ he said, pushing Jaehyun lightly in the chest so that he fell back on the bed.

   ‘Do you really get it?’ Jaehyun replied earnestly.

   ‘I…’ Taeyong looked down at him, fingers stroking over the cotton of his t-shirt. ‘I’m working on it.’

   For today, it would do.

   ‘Come here,’ said Jaehyun, catching his exploratory hands from his chest and pulling him down beside him instead.

   Taeyong nestled down on the bed, wrapping himself around Jaehyun instantly. ‘Thank you, Hyunnie.’

   ‘Get some sleep, my love,’ he answered, not caring that they were still fully clothed.

   Taeyong leant in close to him for one more lazy kiss, lips molding together in familiar, perfectly tailored design. He teased his tongue around Jaehyun’s, but it was loose, languid, romantic. ‘Love you,’ he said as he pulled away, hooking his leg over Jaehyun’s and settling his cheek down on his chest.

   ‘Love you too, Yongie.’

   They settled into silence, the remnants of Taeyong’s insecurities still lingering in the air, fading ever so gradually with every breath they took entwined with one another.

   It wouldn’t be the last time. These things couldn’t be healed in a night.

   But it was a start. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taemayy)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mayviolet)


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